Coated in Blood and Guilt
by Mrs Bella Riddle
Summary: When Bellatrix Lestrange wakes in the middle of the night and attacks a person in her room without verifying who they are, it leads to circumstances where she considers her own death. Rated for dark themes and violence. Written for HPFC


This is for a challenge at HPFC which will explain the strange plotline. More information is in the author's note at the end.

Also be aware that the rating is for violence, a witnessed sexual assault that is mentioned briefly which occurred in the past as well as suicidal thoughts.

* * *

Everything was so comfortable. The bed hugged her body, the sheets were crisp white, it was fresh and, most importantly, there were no Dementors.

Freedom was never so welcome. Her Lord had released her from Azkaban almost a week ago and she had been ordered to reside in her sister's house for recuperation like the other Death Eaters.

It put her on edge. Perhaps she had always been cautious or, perhaps Azkaban had made her more paranoid, but at every moment it felt like a Dementor would emerge from a shadowy hallway or one of her fellow Death Eaters would try and attack her.

It was worse in bed. When she tried to sleep nightmares haunted her. She could see her fellow Death Eaters over the filthy bodies of mudbloods and blood traitors as they raped them with glee in their eyes. In the past she had laughed along with their screaming. Now, somehow, the memories haunted her.

It was not because of guilt (the filth deserved their suffering), but, somehow, paranoia made her forget that her good looks had gone and that everyone feared her.

It left her worrying that it could happen to her.

Dark eyes closed and her hands slid under her pillow for the knife that rested there. Her finger caught the blade and pricked the side, but she was used to pain. She remembered the many nights she had laid splayed over the Dark Lord's bed while he had sliced into her flesh and the only thing she could do was writher in pleasure.

Smiling to herself at long ago memories that she could finally relieve now she was no longer trapped in Azkaban, she heard the door of her room slide open. Either she had forgotten to apply her normal protective charms or someone had been able to break them. Tense, she still stayed curled in her bed as soft footsteps drew closer. Instinctively she tightened her hand around the handle of the knife.

The footsteps stopped; presumably the person had reached the side of her bed. With her back to the door and her attacker she waited.

Hours seemed to tick by as she struggled to control her breathing.

Suddenly she felt a hand tug the covers from her.

She reacted.

Without waiting to see what the person would do and only filled with fear and possibilities, she dived forward with her knife and stabbed at where the person's neck should be.

Her aim was true. Like it was only meat, the knife slid straight through the neck just a little to the right of the man's Adam's apple. Blood shot out covering her arms, face and the bed clothes. Her victim could do nothing more than to let out a pitiful gurgle as he slumped forward onto her bed and half on top of her.

She screamed.

She knew who the man was.

White skin was now tainted with blood, long fingers were shaky and grasping in desperation at her arms and a high cold voice was rasping with desperation as red eyes stared ahead in shock.

"My Lord!" Bellatrix cried out like a dog's pitiful whine. "Master! How? Why?"

It could not have been. How could she have hurt her Lord? Never would she ever desire to hurt him in the slightest. Now...

Tears leaked from her eyes as she desperately grabbed her wand off her bedside table and tried to heal the wound. "Master I'm sorry! Oh bloody Merlin, I'm sorry. Master, please!"

It failed. So lost in her grief and desperation her spells had no effect.

Whimpering she did not stop trying.

Her Lord did nothing.

His eyes were wide and staring into nothing and the skin that was already cold was chilling even further.

For hours she did not stop trying to heal her Lord. Desperate and stricken by pain and grief she never could abandon her efforts. She only stopped when she collapsed backwards and her wand slipped from her hands with realisation and the strain of her effort.

Tears coated her face as she clutched her Lord's body. In life he would have cursed her for touching him without permission.

Now he could not.

"Master! Master! Master!" she moaned loudly even if he could no longer hear her.

Pulling his body onto the bed, she wrapped her arms around his middle and buried her face into his neck. The blood from the wound coated her face quickly some got into her mouth as she continued to murmur his title.

It did not matter.

Nothing did.

She fell into an exhausted sleep.

She desperately hoped that in the morning she would wake from what was a horrible nightmare or death would claim her as well.

* * *

Morning did not change anything.

A cold body was pressed against her and cold blood coated her face and chest.

She did not move.

She did not open her eyes.

She stayed where she was.

It had to be a nightmare.

Scrunching her eyes tightly together, she tried to block out the light and the bad memories.

It was the only way she could cope.

She might have been able to if her door had not swung open and a loud feminine shriek had not reached her ears.

"Bella!" Narcissa cried loudly. Bella did not even consider opening her eyes. She kept them closed as the clanging of her sister's heels reached the side of the bed. "Oh Merlin what happened?"

She stayed quiet. Her grip on her Master only tightened. She wanted her sister gone. She wanted to be alone with her Master.

"Bella?" There was worry in her sister's voice.

She did not respond.

It was not until she felt her sister's smooth manicured fingers slide cautiously through her tight grip that she reacted. "No!" she moaned loudly and tightened her hold on her Lord to resist her sister's interference.

She could still not open her eyes.

"Please!"Cissy begged with an uncharacteristic level of desperation. "Please let me just get you washed up."

Even with her eyes closed, water still started to leak out from under her eyelashes.

"No," she mumbled softly, "no, no, no."

"Bella!"

There was still no response.

Bella heard her sister shuffle off and she silently rejoiced as she adjusted her grip on her Lord.

It would be alright. She was with her Lord. It would be fine. He could not really be hurt.

She was determined that her thoughts were correct until she felt a stronger arm wrap around her. She flinched but did not try to shift her attacker. She only kept her eyes closed and held her Lord.

It was not enough.

Her fingers were pried from her Lord's icy flesh and she was wrenched from the bed.

Shrieking loudly she opened her eyed and tried to slam her elbows into her captors body. Her elbows snapped into the man's ribs, but she did not try for a second blow as her eyes fell upon the figure of her Lord. Blood was crusted over his neck, face and black robes. His face was paler than usual and one of his legs and one of his arms were dangling off the side of her bed.

She whimpered and abruptly her fight left her as she sagged into the arms that held her.

"It is alright, Bella," Narcissa murmured gently as she kneeled down beside her. "It will be alright."

Her sister's words meant nothing. She could not even look at her sister as her eyes were glued to her Lord. "Master, "she whimpered softly. "Master..."

"What happened?" The voice of Lucius Malfoy sounded beside her ear. His grip around her forearms loosened slightly, but he did not release her.

"DEAD!" she screamed madly as her fight resurfaced. Lucius was only taken aback for a moment before he tightened his grip and grunted as she hit him again.

"Bella!" Narcissa pleaded to her right as she tried to touch her. "Bella please!"

It achieved nothing.

She could barely hear Narcissa over her own screams. She could not even take her eyes away from her Lord.

She could not do anything.

It was almost a relief when a spell hit her side and she fell unconscious.

* * *

Opening her eyes, the first thing Bellatrix saw was the concerned sky blue eyes of her sister. Positioned in a seat beside her bed, her hands were scrunched together in her robes and her body was tense as she looked down at her.

"Bella," she said quietly as she stretched out a hand hesitatingly to touch her forearm. "How are you?"

She did not resist the contact. She only turned her head to stare at her sister with dead black eyes. "Where is he?" she asked with a croaky and shaky voice. "I need him. Where is he?"

Narcissa seemed to shudder, but Bella did not care as she stared at her with empty eyes. "I- Bella, you kno- he is dead."

Tears leaked down her eyes as her body quivered. "I know. Where is he?"

"Just in a spare room. Lucius and I were not sure what to do. He needs to be bur-"

"Take me to him," Bella practically whispered as she tried to sit up. "I need to see him."

"No!"Narcissa exclaimed as she reached forward to push Bellatrix back down before she could control herself. "Please, Bella you need to rest."

With lifeless eyes she looked up at her sister and nodded weakly.

She could not fight anymore.

Turning from Narcissa, she closed her eyes. She needed to sleep.

At least in her dreams she could see her Lord.

* * *

For the next few days Bellatrix hardly woke. It was only awake for a few hours when her sister had to hand feed her food and water. She drank little and ate even less before she drifted back into her dreams. They were not always pleasant; she often thought back to his death, but at least she saw him.

She knew her sister was worried about her.

She did not care.

She had lost the one thing she had cared about.

Bella also knew she was growing weaker. The lack of food and the impacts of Azkaban combined to mean she could hardly walk by herself and she needed her sister's help or she just pissed the bed.

She did not care.

Waking after another dream filled with memories of her Lord's death, her face was coated in tears.

"Cissy," she murmured like a child to its mother. "I need to see him."

Like a lion watching over its cubs, Narcissa looked over at her and smiled sadly. "You can't."

"Please," she whimpered softly. "Just once."

Narcissa's lips pinched tightly together as she tried to keep herself together. "No you can't." Leaning over to the bedside table she lifted a glass of water. "Don't think about that. Here just have a drink."

She would not. In a surprise amount of strength, her arm darted up and pushed the glass from her sister's hand where it shattered onto the ground. "I'm not eating or drinking until I see him."

"Bella!" Narcissa moaned as she vanished the glass and water from the ground. "You have to drink something. You will die!"

There were only hollowed pools in her gaze when she stared directly into her sister's eyes. "Without him I would rather be dead."

* * *

Bellatrix was true to her word. Over the next few days she did not consent to eating a scrap or food or drinking a splash of liquid. She only sat lifeless and constantly asked to see her Lord.

However, consenting did not mean everything.

She was eventually forced to eat.

Magic was a useful tool. She may have been too strong willed and too skilled from her Lord's tutelage to succumb to the Imperius Curse, but her mouth could still be wrenched open and her throat opened with a spell so the nutrients could slide down into her stomach.

She resented every moment, so, after a week, she consented to being fed like a child.

"Narcissa," she murmured as her sister handed a glass and an empty plate to a nearby house elf, "I have not changed my mind."

Her sister tried to be composed and not flinch as she stared into her sister's dead eyes. "About what?"

"Without him I would rather be dead."

"Don't say that," Narcissa pleaded as she reached for her hands. "Bella please he could not be everything."

Bella did not pull her hands from Narcissa but her voice was filed with opposition. "He was everything. Now I have nothing."

Her sister or husband did not count. Only the Dark Lord mattered.

"Just let me go. Let me join him," Bella pleaded softly as she twitched her hands to cup her sister's. "Just give me a knife or a wand. Then that is it. You can care for Draco and Lucius and forget about me."

The blonde woman did not accept it for a moment. Her hand squeezed Bella's own tightly as she concentrated her face into a determined glare. "Never! You will live Bella! I will not allow you to die."

"You will," she said softly. "You will and I will be with him."

Standing Narcissa steeled her face. "No! Now get up. I want to show you something."

* * *

It took more than an hour to get the weak Bellatrix out of bed, dressed and to walk out of the manor and into the grounds, but she did. Leaning heavily on Narcissa, she concentrated on each step as she stared in front of her.

She only agreed because she hoped it was her Lord.

She was correct.

As they turned right at the fountain they stopped by the shadows of a tall yew tree. Underneath it was a patch of carefully flattened dirt and a stone without any engravings marring its surface.

Bella knew what it was.

Pushing out of her sister's hold, she fell to her knees before the dirt.

"No!" she screamed, "No! Please! Master! Master! Master!"

Narcissa made no attempt to move her as Bella rested her head on the dirt. "My Lord," she murmured softly her face littered with tears, "Master."

She lay there for so long that even her sister left and the darkness settled over the manor. Bellatrix did not care. She remained vigil on her knees and half collapsed with her face in the dirt. The only thing that moved was her lips that muttered her Lord's titles over and over again.

It was on one of the rare occasions that she opened her eyes that her gaze drifted over a pearly white figure. It was more corporal than a ghost with glowing red eyes.

The first sign of happiness of the past few weeks graced her features, as she smiled groggily and dream like at those familiar eyes. It was almost like her Master was in front of her.

"Master," she repeated again, "It is like I can see you my beautiful Master."

It must have been a dream. A wonderful dream. She hoped she did not waken any time soon.

"Bella," The vision of her Lord said softly in his cold voice. "You need not fear."

"Never, my Lord," she said with a dreamy tone. "Not when I'm with my Master again. I could not survive without. I never want to leave you my Master. I never want to wake up."

The figure of her Lord chuckled softly. "You are not dreaming."

Her eyes widened, but her smile did not twitch. "I have to be."

Her Lord drew closer and she felt a curious chill sleep through her. "You are not. I am before you now."

A surge of unusual strength slipped through her as she stood on shaky limbs. She almost toppled over before she caught herself. Automatically she sank into a low bow, but her eyes never left him

"I- my Lord- I thought you were dead." She stuttered barely able to believe what was in front of her.

"Never doubt me. Remember." His lips curled upwards into a larger smile. "I can never die."

* * *

There we have it. I had Voldemort kill Bella in a fic a few months ago so take this as vengeance. As well this is for the 'I thought You Were Dead Dare' at HPFC where Bellatrix had to kill Voldemort with a knife and the phrase "I thought you were dead" had to be used. Obviously Voldemort is not dead because he has his horcruxes.


End file.
